Saturday, October 18, 2014

Name Calling

Quote of the Day:
 We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
~Joseph Campbell~

Current Local Weather:
Showers of falling leaves, forgotten anxieties and new love reigning over
the unkempt terrain of my mind.

Currently on my iTunes:
"Beast of Burden"
Rolling Stones

Currently Reading:
 "Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith"
Anne Lamott


Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends, 

This week marks a first for me. Actually, the first of many, many changes coming my way. This year has been a record-breaking year of firsts, too. I took myself off of Facebook. I'm removing most of, if not all, of the "non-essential" tasks from my life. I've made efforts to simplify life before and dubiously failed at each of them. Reasons for these episodes of failure vary as widely as the reasons Fox News comes up for the Obama administration's plot to bring this country into a new depression era. However, unlike the Obama administration, I don't have to answer to anyone other than myself and I will make sure that the rest of my career as a mom, a writer and friend/lover, from here on out, will be a success. Time has been a great educator and has taught me that the only thing that truly matters on this earth has nothing to do with monetary success and everything to do with the people you love most. Failure is not an option. 


As a human, I am dubiously flawed. It seems that when life gets you down or is holding you by the throat with a vice grip, that's when most of us tend to be the hardest on ourselves. Throughout the last couple of years I've called myself names and beat the ever-living shit out of my self-esteem by assuming that I was the fault of all of my issues and that if I had just not done this or said that or been here or left there, that everything in my life would be aok. It's taken me a cool 37+ years to learn that this isn't the case. That everything happens when it's supposed to happen whether or not we want it to happen. It took one person, well, a couple of people to teach me that calling myself names, just as if I was calling someone else names was/is the wrong way to handle stress and my life.



But for the sake of example, I wanted to catalog some of the names I've called myself through these tough times and that I've now forever erased from my vocabulary

FAT:

Like many women, I believe that we are harder on ourselves regarding our weight than any other person would dream to be. However, I've been dating and meeting men on and off for over three years now. Each time a man would ask me out and, yes there were more than a few, meet me for the first time and make the comment that...if you would just lose 20-50 lbs, you'd be hot...I would lose a bit of myself. Would I entertain the idea of going out with them again? Absolutely not. Would I allow them to enter into my head and f*** it up for a few weeks/months/years? Absolutely. Doesn't mean it's right. But it is what it is. 

I recently met a man. We'll call him Mr. Wonderful to protect his identity. I asked him, on one of our dates if my weight bothered him. He then asked, "Are you happy with yourself?" 



I had to pause before I answered his question. I then said, "Yes. Yes I am." Because truth is, I'm really happy with myself. I can't believe I am actually alive and thriving after all the shit I've been through. Being happy in this life is a given compared to the alternative of being dead. And so what if I have curves. If you've ever been in my kitchen, you'll know that my curves are due to constantly practicing the art of home cooking. And I'm damn good at it. I've earned every square inch of my true and womanly shape and it feels damn good to be in my skin. 

STUPID: 

Failure or bad health do not equal stupidity. Making mistakes is something even the brightest stars in the human race do. Making the same mistake twice...doesn't equal stupidity either. I think calling yourself stupid is never an option in serious situations. I've often called myself stupid for not being able to say no, or because I couldn't remember something even though I reminded myself of whatever that something was a million billion times. But what hurts the most is knowing that I feel more stupid than not when I'm being attacked by others, verbally or emotionally. As if something I have done brought it on when more often than not it was NOTHING I did and everything about their own insecurities. 



This is something I've had to grapple with when it comes to my daughters. They're 12 years old and have entered those gloriously awkward years known as Junior High. I've heard them both say that they feel stupid when they're doing their homework. Teaching them that this is not a name they should ever say about themselves or anyone for that matter is paramount in my home. If they grow up believing in the names they call themselves, like I did for many, many years, they'll be repeating a lot of the painful episodes I've gone through. I realize I can't stop them from saying it when I'm not around. However, the only thing I can truly do is remind them that they're absolutely NOT stupid, they're just learning and storing up experiences for their later years. I am making a concerted effort to not use that word at all, even in joking about something, around them. It too has been wiped from my vocabulary. 

A FAILURE/LOSER:

Truth is, I'm hard on myself about everything. I'm a perfectionist. Turns out, much to my chagrin, I'm not perfect. Turns out...NO ONE IS. 

And despite my opinion, I've been quite successful in this life. Choosing to become a failure and being a loser is one thing...assuming you are one is a completely different issue. This is one of the bigger reasons I've removed myself off of Facebook. Night after night when I was sick or felt like throwing the proverbial towel in, I would sit on Facebook and look at the pictures of everyone's life. It was as if I was window shopping for a life that could potentially look good with my hair, my makeup and personal style. 

So and so would have pics of their new car. Some people would have pics of their new house. Wedding pictures. Beach vacation pictures. Beautiful gardens. Beautiful boyfriends/girlfriends. Vacations overseas, book covers for their newest publication, kids graduating and kids just enjoying themselves with their friends and family. 



I looked at everyone else' life and decided that I was a failure. I was the loser. I was doing nothing but existing and often times I still am. I've been in survival mode for years and years and years. Just getting by and never getting ahead. But this does not mean that I'm a failure. Nor does it mean that I'm not grateful and joyous over my friends' successes and lives. However, it does mean that I've spent time, instead of being grateful for who I am, where I am and the life I'm living, I've been resentful, pained and strained in every way possible. I could have invested my thoughts in the positive and through doing things that made ME happy and brought me closer to the better life I want...nope. I was on Facebook. So now, I've chosen to leave Facebook. I've chosen to do things that better my life and not make me feel like the loser I've felt like. 
 
 I have chosen to concentrate on those that are already present in my life. My daughters. My amazing boyfriend.My best friends. My family. My work as a nurse. My work as a writer. My clients and their needs. I refuse to window shop for things that don't fit into my ACTUAL life. My virtual life is over. There's no good reason to carry it on.

As Henry Ford says, I am intelligently and lovingly starting my life over. Largely thanks to my huge steaming pile of current life stressors, I have been forced to whittle down my life to what absolutely matters most. I am basing my life on my past experiences and learning that everything I've been through was not a mistake, a result of my poor self-esteem nor absolute stupidity. Everything I've been through were moments for education and experience.

NAMES I SHOULD HAVE CALLED MYSELF: 

FAITHFUL, LOVING, KIND, BEAUTIFUL....

I've met the most amazing man. Just when I'd lost faith in ever being able to be a loveable person, I met someone that not only has the most patience of anyone I've met or dated, but someone that is reestablishing faith and love in myself. Someone that absolutely takes me for who I am, flaws and all. Someone that lifts me up and asks me to place faith in my God before placing worry on my shoulders. I've finally met my unicorn. And this unicorn wouldn't have stayed if I hadn't cut the names above out of my vocabulary prior to meeting him.


I've been blessed with the very best friends in the world. Real girlfriends that are there with me every step of the way. Ones that I can call and scream and yell and cry and they still hug me and allow me to get snot on their shoulders and vice versa.



I've renewed my energies towards my daughters. After all, this is their ONE shot at growing up. I've already grown up...mostly...and it's my responsibility to raise them the best I possibly can and provide them the foundation they need to make the right choices and to avoid name-calling in their futures.
And despite feeling as if I've let my "career" go to  the side, I've realized that a career is just that. It's not the end all be all, but I am the world to my daughters and they have every bit of faith in me as their mom and provider. It's high time that I realized this and gave them every chance in the world to succeed at life and have a good foundation to make the choices that will ultimately carve their life path.

I've ignored God for way too long. He got me through hell and back and to throw him to the curb now that I'm "healthy" and finally loving who I am and where I am...well, that's the real definition of STUPID.

I hope that wherever you are in your life, wherever you're going in life and whomever you choose to share your days with, that you're happy. Whether it's a Mr. Wonderful like I have or with the family you've always been with since the day you were born, it's my wish that you'll ignore the names you may call yourself when no one is listening and the voice that tells you that you're not good enough for the rest of your days. Comparing yourself to anyone other than the person you see when you close your eyes and the person you know you can be, is a true crime.


Don't rob yourself of the future you deserve. Try calling yourself these names next time life gets you by the throat and see the difference it makes: Beautiful. Kind. Charitable. Giving. Worth the world. Perfect in your Imperfections.


Yours in Name Calling, Never Giving Up and A New Life, 

Cicily









Friday, June 27, 2014

#MyWritingProcess Blog Tour: Everyday Demons

Quote of the Day:
Most folks are as happy 
as they make up their minds to be.
~Abraham Lincoln~

Current Local Weather:
Damp heat, dank thoughts 
and a strong potential for the thunderous roar of
forgetfulness to cleanse the palate before
night falls...

Currently on my iTunes:
"Hero"
Loma Vista
Family of the Year
**I can't stop listening to this...**



Currently Reading:


Michael Pollan


Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends, 

My client, Allison Gruber, tagged me in the #MyWritingProcess blog tour. This wonderful idea stemmed from other writers, readers and envious folks of the bookish ones in society to get the backstory to the story. 


Let me give you the backstory on Allison, first. 


Allison is one of my most favoritest clients. Not because of all the money she garnered both of us as a first-time autobiographical essayist...(hey, don't judge. She really did get paid..) but because of her creative beauty. She's truly a light in the world. And just as I tend to do with my writerly-type clients, I fell in love with her from sentence one and will be so from infinity and beyond. 

Who needs marriage when you have clients that don't dirty up the bathtub, throw wet towels on the floor and cause a mess...instead they cleanse the mind...

Clients who never leave your head too early and always stay for as long as you need, just when you need them most? Who needs romance when every time they send you a book you get the privilege of falling deep head-over-bookmark in that lusty bibliophilish phase of love that only a true book lover can know? 

This is why I do what I do.

Her first book, "You're Not Edith," started out as nothing but Trouble. (Sorry Allison, couldn't help myself) PLEASE ORDER YOURS NOW! Click the link on the title!


She has a unique and insightful take on the #Writing process. I hope you'll take a moment to go read her "audio" blog for this series. Thank you, Allison, for giving me this opportunity to talk about #MyWritingProcess. 

This concept consists of writers answering four questions about their process. Who am I to debunk the system? So here's mine: 

1) What are you working on now? 

"Deprivation" It's about a narcoleptic pilot that figured out a way to get by the FFA with his disease only to have it come back to bite him after having an affair with a "sky waitress." 


It's a comedic look at the hazards of chronic traveling and high-altitude scheming. Deprivation combines the wit of "Airplane," the absurdity of "Fight Club" and rounds it off with a bit of "Fatal Attraction."

This is absolutely a "fun" project amidst all of my "serious" ones. Not that all of them aren't fun, but this one just suits the mood I'm in more than not. 

I'm also working on a new oral history titled, "Lost and Found: The American Dream and its Greatest Faults." That one is still taking subjects. If you've lost your way and found your dreams in the process of finding yourself, call me, ASAP. 

2) How does my work differ from others of its genre? 

This is a hard question to answer, even when coming from an agent that has to lecture clients about comp titles...

I believe each work has a lifeline of its own. But all of what I do differs from others in that it doesn't stoop to or rise against any expectations or boundaries. It's offensive and deep and deeply defensive as to the faults that seep out of yours, mine and our skin on a daily basis. 


3) Why do I write what I write?  

 I always write with the theme of humanity.  Just like you, I'm trying to figure out the meaning of our commonness, our existence and our demise. Writing about it just helps, it's the only thing that helps me as a matter-of-fact. It's the cheapest and most invaluable therapy there is to get rid of my everyday demons...

Those demons can be muses in disguise. I would recommend that if you're thinking about writing, entertain and host your demons to the party on the page. Blank pages are as good as the infamous "Proton Packs" used on Ghostbusters for exhausting the "Stay-Puff Man" in your life that's haunting you. 



4) What does my writing process look like? 

I should correct this question to read, "What does it sound like?" 



I'm completely lopsided when it comes to my sensory experiences. Sound, the making of and the listening to, inspires me. So the first thing I do when I write is to listen to the character's voice. Then I find their playlist and create it to sing to me when I write. I then take off with whatever they want me to do. I'm their pawn. Always. Whether it be in the oral-history format or my favorite fictional asshole pilot in Deprivation...I'm their only chance to have a voice. 

John, the pilot, he listens to Dead Milkmen when no one is around and Miles Davis when a woman asks and flies...soars to Johnny Cash. He's a lot like me in that respect...Eclectic. So when I write in his voice, I have to have him in his full form to write him down. 

When I was working on my book, "The New Face of Jazz," I listened to a lot of...you guessed it...jazz. But while doing edits for the book I listened to a lot of R&B, Gospel and even, dare I say...classical. 



As far as the tangible process: I'm a quiet writer. I can't be around chaos, I can't be too hot but I can be cold and I definitely can't be in any kind of pain. Pain of any kind is the nemesis of writing. Whether it be emotional, physical or intellectual (as in...the research for this novel/article/living will could potentially kill me!)....it has to be in balance and in somewhat dissonant harmony with the project I'm working on. 

Thanks again to Allison for tagging me in this! 

Next up in the #MyWritingProcess Blog tour is one of my favorite storytellers. Yes, he's Natty-poo's Papa, but before I knew him as a Papa-type dude, I knew him as a full-blown Texan Storyteller. You can find him on Twitter. 


And, for the record: He's the one that did this to Natty: 


Regardless of his role and its proverbial coat of many colors through the last four plus years I've known Jimmy, I've never grown tired of his stories, his writing or his love for his family. Here's to you, Papa! And thanks for giving a great set of genes to Natty's Daddy and Natty. Sometimes the best storytellers are sitting right in front of you. Time to listen to what they have to say. 

Yours in Writing, Wordsmithing and Wondering About it All, 

Cicily



















Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Negative Assets

Quote of the Day: 
No one is useless in this world that 
lightens the burden of another.
~Charles Dickens~

Current Local Weather: 
Muddied waters are a-comin' due to 
the endless supply of the spring tears.

Currently on my iTunes:
"Waltz of the Nuke Workers"

Currently Reading:
"Big Spoon, Little Spoon"
*haha, I get to read this before anyone else!*

Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends, 

To See the World...

This blog is for the writers and artists in my life... and I'm writing this as your mentor, your boss, your agent, your lover, your hopeful liaison to everything you see when you close your eyes.

I just went to see the movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. 



As an unabashed fan of the original short story, I was curious to see how Ben Stiller was going to treat it and more importantly, stretch it into a feature length movie. I ignored and refused to read any criticism or reports on the movie and patiently waited for it to deport from the big guns into the dollar theater. I didn't even sneak a peak and watch the "old" version of the movie or even entertain the idea of bootlegging it. I read it to my girls one night in preparation for going to see it. Their response to the story was...that's it?!?!  But...what happened to this...to that? Was it a dream? Was it real? 

Things Dangerous to Come....

As a budding literary snob, I had those same questions when I read it the first time. I am an American. I WANT EXCESSIVE DETAIL AND SWAG IN EVERYTHING I CONSUME! Dammit. I should have been a Gatsby.


I digress.

I could hardly contain myself during the movie. Ok, that's a partial lie. I couldn't contain myself. I had to get out my cell phone to light up my purse so I could pull out business cards, scraps of paper and gum wrappers to write down my thoughts while I watched. This kind of inspiration doesn't come easy to me. But G*d Dammit....that movie was the very best I've seen in...well, let's just say I feel a bit on this side of greatness having been one of the privileged ones to see it. 

To See Behind the Walls...

To treat this itty bitty significant story....so grand... with so much techni-f'in-color wonderfulness was far beyond any expectations I may have had. It's as if Jon Bon Jovi decided to put out his next hard rock album consisting of all Phillip Glass music. 



Draw Closer...

But through all the master cinematography and visual imagery, the AHA moment I walked away with lied simply in Mitty's job. He was the head of Negative Assets. 

Walter Mitty had everything in the world in his dreams and nothing, at least that he could think of, in his waking life. Sure...he has a great mom (Shirley McClaine is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. as a momma) and a quirky but lovable sister. 

To Find Each Other...

However, every great man deserves a woman. But where, as the E-harmony guy (Paton Oswald...another favorite) points out were his "Been there, done thats?" Surely he had to have ONE....



Alas, Walter Mitty had many in his dreams. Until one man left a message thanking him for his work...

And to feel...

I recently had to conquer a negative asset and figure out how to create assets that ooze positives. So, in my fashion, I started my own company. Janus Artistic Services. 



In an extensive meeting last night all four of us in the company worked out the verbage for the "why..."of the company. 

In very non-eloquent terms, I said that we basically exist to deal with all of the bullshit that no one else wants to do. We are here to serve artists in their every need and want. 



Our company slogan is, We Don't Sleep, So Artists Can Eat. 

The impetus, a.k.a. WHY...behind the company is the wanton need to take care of those that need us most so they can fulfill their dreams. We are here to serve those that are in the fight of their lives to find their true purpose and value. 

And I believe, having worked in this industry for...well, for a long time, that the journey must be done without the awareness of others but with the knowledge that often it's what we want most whether it's to be that star, to be the success we see when we close our eyes, is absolutely not something that needs the "like" button on Facebook. It's something that must be an asset to your character. It has to be DEEP inside of you to reach past the skin on your teeth. 



This life of yours needs to take place for yourself before seeking any kind of approval. You need to be the office, space cadet. You HAVE to be the Walter Mitty in your mind and dream a thousand dreams before you employee someone to listen to you talk about it. Hearing that it CAN'T be done your way or that YOU can't do what you want to do can kill your spirit, your heart and more importantly the invincible will when facing the impossible. 

Shooting down your dreams is like acquiring a manager to those negative assets in your life. 


It's dictionary time, kids! 

Asset (n) is defined as a useful or valuable thing, person, or quality. 

Negative (adj.) is defined as the absence of distinguishing, marked qualities or features, lacking positive attributes (opposite of positive). 

The words or job of someone that is a negative asset manager is a double negative in of itself. 

Whether you're an artist, a budding novelist, or musician with 40 yrs of gigs behind you and only 20 left ahead, your greatest asset is that you're POSITIVE that you've got your dreams in the palm of your hand and your head on your shoulders...and you should be able to rest knowing that what you have to offer the world, even if at the time it's only in your head, it will surely be of great use to others in the human race. Why would anyone with a dream take it...a noun with an adjective that's the most POSITIVE attribute of your core and turn it into a very dark, smellly, damning horse? 

You wouldn't. Never Compromise. Always Realize.

And in the end, Walter Mitty, the most selfless man in the story, had to realize that the hardest work is often done without the intent of recognition. Sometimes the pay you receive is only in knowing that you helped somebody else recognize their positive effects, assets and hidden life in their daydreams. 

The truth, even if only in your head, is tough. You must learn that in order to get the girl, realize your dreams, ignore the "Major Tom Weird Beard Guy" in your office and rid yourself of that negative asset taking up your hard-wired drive, that the truth lies in knowing what it means to be yourself.



And that is exactly what Walter Mitty did. 

He was no longer a dreamer, he was a doer.

And yes, SPOILER ALERT, he got the girl. 



And...he found the cover shot negative that seemingly spoiled his whole world.

Which, ironically, turned out to be a positive. 



I hope that all of you will be true to who you are regardless of your job. 

That you'll realize the "WHY" behind the "WHAT" you do every day and turn your assets away from the negative...

That is the purpose of life...

Yours in Assets, Office Assholes and Acclimating to the Truth, 

Cicily 









Friday, January 10, 2014

Wake Me Up

Quote of the Day: 
It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, 
they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.
~Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Current Local Weather: 
Stagnation of cold weather. Mother nature swooping in 
at alarming rates to make us all remember why seasons exist.

Currently on my iTunes: 
"Wake Me Up" 
(Acoustic)
Aloe Blacc

Currently Reading:

Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends,

I've got this catchy tune stuck in my head...so much so, the blog is themed over and above its lyrics. The tune, as above, "Wake Me Up" by Aloe Blacc. It makes me want to dance and cry all at once. Strange, wonderful feelings are evoked by his "carry-on" thematics and strong vocals. Mr. Aloe, you're brilliant.

Favorite lines: 
So, Wake me up when it's all over. 
When I'm wiser and I'm older...
all this time I was finding myself and 
I didn't know I was lost. 

I tried to carry the weight of the world
but I only have two hands....
Life's a game for everyone 
and love is the prize. 

I haven't showered in two days. Haven't bothered to brush my hair. Haven't even removed the yoga clothes, of which yoga was not practiced in during said past days. I keep thinking that the time to clean up will come. (and I assure you that as soon as I get the demons out of my head this morning, it will happen...no worries!) But as of the last 48 hours, the time has escaped me. I've been working. Kinda. Well, it's not actually work. It's been a journey and one, quite frankly, that I'm still on and hope to be on for life. 


I'm one of the fortunate few in this world that gets to do what I love. What is it? Cleaning up the world and spreading love one musician/writer at a time. I was talking to my friend Bibi Green the other day and she said, upon hearing my complaints about scheduling a mega-jazz festival..."you've finally got a real job...you're creating another venue for jazz musicians." 

She wasn't being condescending or placating or anything negative at all...She was being herself...and as usual, she was right. I finally have a "real" job. She says this on the heels of me being unemployed for many many months due to illness. She says this on the heels of knowing how dark and deep my waters ran when I didn't feel as though my purpose mattered to anyone anymore. Trust me, Bibi had to hear it all from me. As the song says, and for too long, "I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands." I no longer subscribe to that motto. Delegation is the key to happiness. So says the girl with control issues. 



But now, I'm finally waking up. Although there is no man that is sitting by my side, Mr. Coffee has been consistently wonderful in waking me up each and every morning with his odiferous roar for the past few months. 


Purpose is a very liberating stone to throw. Creating, fielding and stuffing your purpose down your own throat until you pop is a good thing no matter how you slice it. We all have purpose, we all have a reason to be here. Some, like Mr. Aloe, has the purpose of writing music that wakes some of us up. 


Most of us don't know we're lost until we're found. After lamenting to a friend that I was down about potentially"losing" a man I don't ever want to lose whether it be as friends or more or acquaintances (the worst of all possibilities), one I don't really even know but desperately want to, I wrote the following post on my FB wall: Sometimes being lost is the only way to find yourself. I have talked many times with this said "person" about finding purpose and living for something that really drives you. He is someone that you only meet once. If you're lucky. A connection past the normal threads in the fabric of life. But we often talk about drive...And no, not the Driving Miss Daisy kind of drive...Driving as in if you don't do what is driving you, you might actually fall apart and die. I'm so blessed to know what it is in my life that drives me. Love, Music and everything else is just...buttah! 


Once again, I woke up. I had to realize that by lamenting for "what isn't in existence" isn't a good thing. I can want all of the things in the world but that doesn't mean that I'll ever get them. It doesn't mean that they were ever mine for the taking in the first place. I guess I'm just as human as the next redhead is. (Yes, we're human) Himming and hawing over anything is an anesthetic for the mind. It will soon knock your bright shiny lights right out of the park. Your purpose cannot be a thing of the past. It begs to be the only thing you do in the everyday here and now; the one thing that builds toward that greater picture known as your reason for breathing. Ahhhh....Life. As Aloe sings, "Life's a game for everyone and love is the prize..." 


Love has to stretch over into all you do. It has to be the all-purpose flour that glues your feet to the ground and stretches your personal rue into the gravy of your dreams. (Yes, sometimes I dream about gravy...) 

The bigger part of what drives me, however, is to see others find their driving dreams; to find their purpose. Whether it's the man I think of when I fall asleep and the conversation we had about losing your way or whether it's a young (even those that are just "young" at heart) jazz musician trying to find a way to reach an audience more effectively or a writer that has words that scream out PUBLISH ME!...this is my purpose. My purpose lies in others. And this purpose, the one where love is truly the prize, mostly, wholly and totally, includes my daughters. The three of them are so innocent, sweet and loving. 



The only thing I can truly think to do for any one of them is to keep loving them until they pop open like a can of All-Purpose flour Pillsbury GMO soaked biscuits. Loving them in such a way that they always know I love them even when they get to the age where they're dreaming of a man, a way of life and their greater purpose on this earth. I'm glad they're too young to understand where they are now and have that very-cool dream of a different life than their parents still lies ahead. I hope they get the chance to roam the earth until they're ready to settle for a bigger picture. They continuously provide a way to wake me up...and I'm glad they waited until, as the tune says, I was wiser and older. 


Purpose is sometimes the elephant in the room. It's not scared of you if you're not scared of it. 

Yours in Waking up, Wishing the Best for Him/You/Us, Wanting More Purpose & Less Fluff 'n' Stuff, 

Cicily



Sunday, November 24, 2013

Forget You

Quote of the Day
One of the keys to happiness
is a bad memory.
~Rita Mae Brown~

Current Local Weather: 
150% chance of ice storms on the outside. 
99.9% chance of warmth, calm and beauty 
shifting from the west moving on towards the inside of my heart.
99.9% Chance of a break in all things bad from yesterday 
carrying over until all the tomorrows to come.

Currently on my iTunes: 
"Lost in the Light"
Bahamas

Currently Reading: 
"Hope Dies Last"
Studs Terkel

**For my new, old friend, Tim.**


Dear Friends, Family and My Family of Friends...

Have you ever had a song break your heart? A musician? A writer? An artist? A man? A woman? Anyone? Have you ever had to forgive someone that at the time, didn't seem forgivable? Did you ever want to "Forget" them...but just couldn't? Did you ever want to say..."Although there's pain in my chest, I wish you the best...but I'd love to Forget You...oh, I really hate your ass right now" Cee Lo couldn't have said it better...


However, as the quote of the day says, "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." Forgetting, er, rather...unremembering, is sometimes the best remedy for everything that ails you. But forgetting anything isn't an instamatic super power that has been granted to many of us.

I've recently reconnected with an ex. But this wasn't just any ol' ex...this was one I was deeply in love with. One that helped me in so many ways, if I began to tell you about it all, you'd get bored with me and stop reading right about now...This hasn't been an easy reconnection, though.  Seamless isn't something either of us know. There are those lingering feelings of...do I still have "those" feelings for him? Do I still want...this...the "thing" that broke my heart and left me for a pile of nothing on the floor? I had to stop before I began. 



This "thing," I had to remember, is not a thing at all. "It's" a person. A very kind, warm, open and friendly...and HAPPY....person. What truly broke my heart was the idea that what we "had" was over. I felt lost. And I felt that way for a very long time afterwards...and although all seemed lost, the map to find something in the space that was vacant, to occupy it again, turns out, wasn't too far away from where I was standing. 

After many discussions and conversations, we both realized that there was definitely something more at fault than any other thing...that huge thing known as "miscommunication." 


We realized that we had to be bigger than our selves and learn from what had happened months prior to our renewed discussion of all things, "WTF."  We learned many, many things but the one thing I walked away with was this: 

Sometimes you have to realize that the pain you go through has a purpose. Pain is one of the best educations anyone can receive. Sometimes you don't realize it at the time, but after it's always clear. 

I was talking with a friend this morning about how music has a massive effect on everything I do. (I know, duh!?!) In all seriousness, music sits on the edge of gravity for me. Sometimes it's the only thing separating me from the clouds, sometimes, it, itself, becomes the cloud on which I sit and observe life from. Sometimes, it is my soul, removed from me to teach me about myself. Music is not a misnomer, or a background color in my life, it is my life. It is everything to me. It is my living color, it is where I stand, it is who I am in so many beautiful ways. Music has the ability to break you into a million pieces, but as I told him, I'd rather feel the pain and live with the limp and scar than cast it and "fix" the piece it broke away from my soul. 

There's a "new" (new to me) band out there by the name of Bahamas. (pronounced Ba-hahm-ahs) They have a tune called, "Lost in the Light." I think this is one of the most soul-filled and alluring tunes on forgiveness, losing love and love lost and found and lost again, that has ever been heard by man. Please, listen while reading the lyrics below. 




I'm lost in the light 
I pray for the night 
To take me, to take me to 

After so many words 
Still nothing's heard 
Don't know what we should do 

So if someone can see me now, let them see you 

It was my greatest thrill 
But we just stood still 
You let me hold your hand 'til I had my thrill 

Even countin' sheep 
Don't help me sleep 
I just toss and turn right there beside you 

So if someone could help me now, they'd help you too. 

They'd help you to 
See you through 
All the hard things we've all gotta do 
Cause this life is long 
And so you wouldn't be wrong 

Bein' free you and me on my own! 

And I held my own 
Still I rattled your bones 
I said some awful things and I take them back 

If we would try again 
Just remember when 
Before we were lovers, I swear we were friends 

So if someone could see me now let them see you 

Let them see you 
See you through 
All the hard things we've all gotta do 
Cause this life is long 
So you wouldn't be wrong 
Bein' free here with me on my own!




Where my words miserably fail, this tune picks up. I believe that the friendship and new facet of love that this man and I share is so much better for what we went through than not. It's allowing me to learn that not all love that is lost is a lost or just cause. We all have to learn this lesson at some point or other. We all have to figure out that our belief in love is there for a reason.

I might be in love again. I might always be in love. Of course, one can always hope that it's always there or always a possibility. Otherwise, what's the point? It's not just in existence for sex, for pain, or for pursuit of the almighty ending to our perceived fairytale life. 


Love that is lost is there for our benefit. I've learned to love regardless of being hurt by even my own words and hurting someone else through them. I've learned that there is no "perfect" fit for any one soul, especially mine. And believe me when I say, that's no easy pill to swallow. There are only two people that can learn to love through understanding, forgiveness and allowing each other the freedom to be two within the relationship that makes them one. Thank you, Alfie, for writing and singing beyond the skies, beyond any cloud I've ever sat on...thank you for your tune "Lost in the Light."  

I hope most of all, that through finding a new friend in an old lover, that every one that has gone through this can find it in their hearts echo the line (as the tune says) "I swear we were friends before we became lovers." There is too much pain and too many ice cold shoulders rubbing against the sustainable warmth that is easily found inside each of us to deny ourselves the happiness we deserve. The point of loving is to love with reckless abandon. To love someone so very much that when others see you, they see them, too.



Your assignment for this week is to find the person that hurt you and forget them. Forget them as you knew them or as you remember them. Forget you, too. Remember this...remember that you've forgotten them as they were, remember them as they are and remember you were there too. Help them through all the hard things we've all gotta do when the opportunity to love again finds your soul. 

Yours in Difficult Lives, Loving Life and Living as though I've Forgotten It All Just to Do it Again, 

Cicily