Staring at Myself in the Mirror

Quote of the Day: 

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny;

it is in ourselves.

~William Shakespeare~

Current Local Weather: 

WTF? 100% chance of 

no discernible seasons

Currently on my iTunes: 

"Fix You"

X & Y 

Coldplay

Currently Reading: 

Manuscripts. No-name, generic manuscripts.

Too many of them to count.

This is for all of you. And yes, especially you. 

Dear Friends, Family, and my Family of Friends,

     There are so many of us today that are alone. We're divorced, afraid of commitment, on tour, recovering, on the prowl for our best friend, waiting for calls that never come and wondering if this is the norm. We aren't alone in our numbers. However, we're sleeping alone, waiting in line...alone, sitting in our living rooms...alone, fixing hot tea...alone, drinking wine...alone. Life, it seems, just didn't follow the script we initially drafted nor were supposed to live out according to the society that attempts to dictate the norm. It seems as if this loneliness is just one ugly, hermetic, hateful bitch. 

However, when this loneliness strikes, although most of us, including myself, have the knee jerk reaction of crying and crawling in a hole to make the most out of our pity party, it isn't always a bad thing. This lonely life is sometimes a blessing. Maybe we have to take this "blessing" at its face value. Regardless of how hard it may seem...just like the doctor telling you to lose weight the same day your boyfriend tells you to lose weight. It's hard to hear but maybe it's the truth. Or when your mom comes to town and says she hates the safety orange color on your walls right after your husband came home and started crying at the sight of the walls you painted while he was at work...it's not that you didn't have good intentions or love behind your eyes, it's just that what your hearing or feeling or experiencing may be the most truthful form of experience and time you've been privy to yet. 

Whatever form it comes in, loneliness is astonishingly humbling and bring most of us to our knees when we're at our worst. Even the strongest and most fiercely independent people can be brought down when company is needed but nowhere to be found. I have a friend that is severely depressed right now. I can't possibly do what I want to do for her. I can't possibly change her situation. Yet she spent a lot of nights and days helping me out of my own depression and offering up love when it didn't seem there was much to be found. And yes, there were days when I wouldn't talk to her, just as she doesn't want to talk to me now. I understand that completely. COMPLETELY. Sometimes, I wanted to be lonely and run amuck in my own muddy waters singing my own version of the Blues. 

   

However, my depression didn't (thank the heavens) sink me below my personal drowning level. I was fortunate enough to have people that would sing to me until I fell asleep if I asked or at the very least, call me up and say good night if I asked, tell me they love me (even when I didn't want to hear it), and there were more than enough good people in this world that don't know me other than on the internet that would call me when I woke up to tell me to get my ass in gear (if I did or didn't ask), some even yelled at me and told me to keep on keepin' on regardless of my obstacles (didn't matter if I asked, ever). Thank God. I was alone but not lonely;  I was lonely but not alone. I had bi-polar depression. I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted to be alone, stuck in my ways or lonely and wishing I had someone at all times to bug me, even when I didn't want it. I suppose indecisiveness is the best most of us can hope for when we're at our worst. Deciding on the worst is never an option. Deciding on the best is usually overlooked. Deciding to choose happy just doesn't happen enough. 

Too many of us know someone out there in the here and now, whether in person or online, that are in this situation. Too many of us are busy working, talking, chatting, caring for others, caring not to care. Too many of us choose to send benign messages of hope to those we know are hurting. And although we want to think that what we're saying is to them is doing them good but all too much it is self-serving and doesn't serve the person who needs it most. Having been on both sides of the mirror: the one that stares back at me and shows me for who I am and the one that stares back at me and shows me who I think am/want to be, I know all too well that people in the position of severe loneliness, often can't see past their nose. People who don't hear the words, I love you, before they go to bed, begin to whither away or turn into that ugly hermetic cat hoarder at the end of the street with no will to live. But it doesn't have to be this way. 

At all. 

There can be loneliness without being alone, there can be alone time without loneliness. Promise. It can change with you. And in the immortal genius of the Beach Boys, "God only knows what I'd be without you." Try to be there for the people in your life that are suffering. When you look in the mirror don't let it show you two different people. Stand tall and look at ONE person. You. And if you're the one that's lonely and looking in the mirror night after night, wishing that someone would answer your call or that someone would magically appear in your living room to hold your hand, stand tall and know that help is coming. Soon. You're not going to perish alone. You're not alone. You're not going to be the picture perfect version of lonely. Promise. 

We will take care of you and make sure that the stars you're staring at through your tears are the same stars we're sitting under while thinking of you. If no one has told you they love you, know that I do and always will. Promise. Don't worry about what we think of you in this moment. Don't worry about how you'll look when you ask for help and love. I've been there and it doesn't serve a purpose. I've tried on more than one occasion to send myself to the other side of this lonely world. I'm horribly unsuccessful thanks to all of the schmucks, loves, friends, lonely beings that recognized my worldly scares and cares and took the time to save me from my lonely thoughts. 

So, even if I don't say it or am in a phase of sheer loneliness too, I still feel it and mean it. Patience is a virtue, cake/wine/brownies/love, even from afar, is a gift, and friends are your lifeline. Call us. Call me. Send us a message out across the sea and tell us that you need us. We'll respond. As the song, "Fix You" by Coldplay says, 

and the tears come streaming down your face, when you leave something you can't replace...when you love someone but it goes to waste...could it be worse? Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you...if you don't try, you'll never know just what you were. 

It's too hard to be alone and fix yourself. It's much harder to feel lonely, alone, broken and not know where the human equivalent of duct tape is in the junk drawer of life. Please stop looking for the tape. That's only temporary. Just rest, close your eyes, let the tears water your flowers and help them bloom. We're here. I'm here. I love you.

Yours in Staring Contests in My Mirror, Seamless Stars Sewing Broken Hearts, and Soundless, Sleepless Nights,

Cicily

Standing Tall While Falling Down

Quote of the Day: 

She stood in the storm and when the wind did 

not blow her away, she adjusted her sails.

~Elizabeth Edwards~

Current Local Weather:

Seriously? Again? 

Spring is here. Allergies are here.

Almost dead is here...again.

Currently on my iTunes:

"I Won't Give Up"

Jason Mraz

Currently Reading: 

"Pinterest Savvy"

~Melissa Taylor~

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends, 

      Where am I? Where's Waldo, for that matter...did anyone ever find that creep with the weird shirt that looks like an aftermarket Gap reject item? Actually, he looks like this guy I dated in college that was on the track team. It was a brief romance that started over a bag of purple grapes in the common fridge. I wonder how he's doing these days. I wonder if he's stuck in crowds of people that kinda look like him and is lost. If I could remember his last name, I'd try to find him just to make sure he didn't need finding. 

Anywho, I'm starting to feel as though I no longer know the answer to this question (Where am I?) nor do I really care to answer it with any real platform beneath my words. Instead, I think the more important question is, who the f*** am I? I thought I knew. I thought I was in the middle of resolidifying the answer to this question over the last few months as I've recovered from last year's horrid buffet of physically nightmarish days. But as usual, just as I think it's an answerable question, I forget the answer I had in my head and had studied. 

But most people, when asked who they are, find themselves stuttering and shuttering and shaking while trying to answer it. It's the essay question from hell. 

It's involved, invasive, and impossible. If you can answer your question with confidence, then good for you. I'm happy for you. Write a book about it. I'll rep it. But it has to have the right ingredients. The right voice. The right everything. And if you have the "right" everything in your life, you're probably too busy and too damn happy to write a book. Right? Right. 

Most days, these days at least, I've been WAY too busy to write a book, too. I've been standing tall. Falling down. Waiting on the sky to fall. Waiting on the stars to come to me. Waiting on my real life to begin. Waiting on the doctors to tell me this is all a joke. Waiting on everyone around me to say, ha! we're just kidding. You're fine. This is just a REALLY bad dream. 

Maybe this will happen. Maybe all of you will read this blog and say, ok, joke's up and on us. We need to tell her where she is, who she is and how she can get out of the party house without being ruffied or raped by her own bad health. Someone give her a red Solo Cup full of cheap wine and we'll tell her the truth. 

Unfortunately, there isn't a red Solo cup anywhere near me and none of you are here. At least you're not here in the physical sense of the word. I have no choice but to sit here on my ass in this uncomfortable bed and continue to stand tall while falling down. I have to lead myself through this "ordinary" world of mine and realize that while there is no mapquest or googlable set of directions for the rest of my journey, that I am still here...wherever here is. And ordinary as life can be, it isn't ordinary when it's yours. It isn't ordinary when holding your breath and waiting for the world to move for you isn't working. It isn't ordinary to wait for anything. Or to have the patience to want to wait for anything. It is what it is when it is what it is. 

And just as Jason Mraz sings in his beautiful tune, I Won't Give Up, "Cause even the stars, they burn; some even fall to the Earth." Sometimes you have to burn. Sometimes you have to fall. And sometimes you have to do both to find the Earth of your dreams and the trail you were meant to walk. Even God, Buddha and all their friends will tell you that it doesn't matter how far you are on your journey, it doesn't matter how alive or dead you may feel; you must look up to the stars, the sky, those that have walked that road before you and sit upon their shoulders in order to see the way. 

Does this mean that you're completely set on your journey by looking up instead of down? Does this mean that you're set if you have the world's biggest shoulders to sit upon instead of walking the trail yourself? Hell to the no. You're never going to be "set." If you think you are, think again. If you think you are, just wait. It will happen to you, too. You'll fall while standing tall. It can happen. It does happen. And sometimes, just sometimes, it happens for all the right reasons. We all travel on roads that are long. Roads that have smelly rest stops and no place to rest and roads that need repaving. Unfortunately/Fortunately the roads I'm talking about are our roads. The stars are all the same above these roads even though the places they lead to are very different. 

We all need road work. We all need to continue to stand tall while we fall. Regardless of your health, your place in this world, your perceived needs-vs-wants, your love or lack thereof...you need to look ahead, look up, look around you and watch the stars fall, burn out and shine on your journey. It doesn't matter how you answer your life's essay question. It's subjective, objective and as I said before, impossible. What matters is that you try to answer it with all you have at that moment. God knows, you're worth the world. God and all his friends know that we're all friends in the end and if your journey is different, it's still the same. It's all the same. It's all hard. It's all easy. It's all you need to survive. Keep standing tall while falling down. 

If I can fall this many times...if I can die again and again in my journey and revive in time to catch the next Greyhound to my unknown destination, you can, too. Am I perfect in my wisdom? Ha! Yeah, right. All I know is that all of you, yes, even you, are allowing me to stand on your shoulders and giving me the love and help I need right now. Thank you. I wouldn't be able to walk, stand, type, talk, and/or exist without you. 

And if there's ever any doubt as to how I feel about you, all of you, just ask me. I'll always tell you I love you. Even if it doesn't seem appropriate or right or the right time. Love is always, in my eyes, the right thing at all times. 

Yours in Road Work, Realizing that Bruises and Scrapes Heal and Rousing Yours, Mine and Our Spirit, 

C

Love of a Different Color

Quote of the Day: 

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, 

while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

~Lao Tzu~

Current Local Weather: 

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. 

Currently on my iTunes: 

"Higher"

Creed

Currently Reading: 

"The Art of Happiness"

Dalai Lama

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends, 

I heard a quote today. It hit me like a ton of bricks. And no, it's not the one above. The man on the travel show, while looking at the Alps said, "Immersion in Nature is man's consolation for having to face his own mortality." Earlier this morning and for a good portion of yesterday's afternoon, I was immersed in nature. Having recently faced my own mortality, and believe me this isn't a journey that is over...yet...I am beginning to see things differently. Finding ways of saying Thank you in less grand ways for my life and finding more in my life to be thankful for is what I got out of these "walks." As I wrote on FB the other day, to everyone that knows me, I am still in love with the world despite the shit that has happened. More specifically, I'm embracing the world much more as a lover would than a brother, sister or worse, a parent. I am not in control of the world, I am in awe. 

You know that feeling you get when you're in love. The first feelings of anxiousness, the wealth of energy the other man's/woman's smile gives you when you're near them or on your way to see them? The beauty of their touch and the giggles that only that ONE person can give you? That's where I'm at. And it feels amazing. As a matter of fact, it feels so good I'm in that glorious stage of denial that only this feeling brings into your life. 

Red flags, red schmags. 

Who cares. I don't care if this world has serial killers and fires that burn its surroundings to the ground. I do, but well, just not right now. It's about embracing the present. As I look outside the window to my left, I see cerulean skies, a neutral palate of winter starkness...with arms wide open, I embrace it. I soak in the sun. The unusual, although I'm not sure how unusual it is now, 60 degree temps in January are embracing me back. It's amazing how dim lighting, dark attitudes and deeply imbedded pain, both real and imagined, can cloud your soul and even more amazing how a crack of light can make months and months of hell find their way back underground. 

As Creed is singing in my ears right at this very moment, I have to ask you, what are you going to do this year? What are you going to do to rid your soul of the darkness you've been hiding in? Leave the comfort of your place. Put the tune on and sing along. 

Leave the comfort of this place...cause there's a hunger, longing to escape from the life to live when I'm away. Let's go there, let's make our escape, let's go there....Can you take me higher? To place where blind men see. Can you take me higher? To a place with golden streets?  I'd like to make the Earth and my dreams the same. Only difference is to let love replace all of our hate. 

I have to realize that this is a moment I might lose if I don't take it now and run with it. This is going to be better. Everything. Don't question. Run with it. Let's make our escape while we still have each other.  Don't question. Don't question.

Yours in Love, Lusting for the Beginning, Middle and End of Life and Living it Up,

Cicily

     

Christmas Card for All of My Modern Family

Quote of the Day: 

Bah Humbug.

~The Grinch~

Current Local Weather: 

Weather? Drama? Cookies?

Where'd they all go?

Currently on my iTunes: 

Greensleeves

Vince Guaraldi Trio

Currently Reading: 

Skipping Christmas

John Grisham

Dear Friends, Family and my Family of Friends, 

Throughout the last few years I have become a super fan of Modern Family. 

Phil Dunphy is my dream husband, Cam is a close second and to say that I wouldn't be Jay's trophy wife if given the chance...well, ok, I wouldn't, but the family itself has been a source of fake comfort for me over the years. The lessons touched upon in each episode, whether it's not using a taser gun until you know you really need to, or making the most out of a bad situation (like when a relative gets arrested and you get excited about the court time because you get waffles out of it), Modern Family is the IT factor show for me these days. And I'm not a huge TV watcher, so this is a stretch and to go above my usual favorite of Glee, says a lot. 

Recently I watched again, the episode titled: Express Christmas. This was from the third season and if you have Hulu.com, you can watch the episode too if you go here. 

But there is a line at the very end of the show that gets me every time. Yes, I cry. There wouldn't be that emotion though if it didn't have significant meaning to me. Gloria (Played by the classic/timeless latino beauty, Sofia Vergara) narrates the end of the episode with these words: 

Family is family...whether it's the one you start out with, the one you end up with...or the family you gain along the way, which makes every day, December 16th.

I do have to admit that you have to watch the episode to get the last few words of her line, but the core of what she says should be taken seriously. This year I have had drama...ok, I lie, over the last decade or so, it seems as though the familial drama has taken its toll on me. And this isn't just the blood relatives. This is the family I've started out with, ended up with and gained along the way. And it seems that if there were ever a better time to apologize for things that happened in the past that cloud the future, to say those wonderful words: I Love You or to say, thanks for the memories, I'm sorry there weren't more of them...this time would be it.

So listen to this tune and please, read what I've written. This is my Christmas Card to you. Yes...you. All of you.

For the Family I started out with: 

***Pics are in no particular order***

Mom and her Boss holding the Olympic torch

Dad and his Natty. 

Margo and My Uncle Leon. Crazy man, but adorable.

Aunt Pam

Noodle. My favoritest cousin.

Wanted fugitives/Sostheim Men

Sostheim Family

Of course, this group of miscreants multiplied throughout the years. I'm an only child and my cousin Niki, although she had three brothers that are awesome, is still my best friend and closest confidant most days. We've had very good times, horridly bad times and many memories between us. Wouldn't take back or say I regret one minute of time with her. 

The Family I Ended Up With and Gained 
through the years:

Natty's proud daddy and her half-sisters, Evie and Hope.
These girls are such a huge part of my heart. 

Nat's Papa and Gram and Aunt Sherie.  These folks have kept Nat going
when her father and I could not. So very thankful! 

Heather. She lives downstairs from me
and is always willing to help and show love.
Her daughter and Natty Poo get along amazingly well! 

Brent, Blaise and Miles. Meditation
on the fly!

Incredibly talented, Signe Pike and I
after climbing Red Rocks last spring.

Sax player Chris Ward and I in NYC, Jan 2010.
Great listener, friend and amazing, amazing talented soul.

Sweaty, shiny, Cicily and Sean. Sean is the trumpet player
that creates my absolute favorite go-to music. My ears and
soul wouldn't be the same without him.

My first mentor in the agenting world, Scott Hoffman
Along side one of my secret writing crushes, Andy Mele. But no worries, I have
a crush on his wife, Lisa, too. 

Nick Belardes, aka Bakersballs, and I have been
talking online for years now. Finally met this fall. Was
a pure joy and gift to get to spend time with him.

Bonita and C at the retreat house. Giggling
like school girls. She's one of the best people
you'll ever meet. Her soul walks with God and
her words inspire. 

The Toxic Avenger at the retreat house...AGAIN!
If there is anyone who knows how life can
grab you by the balls until you do something
to change it, it's Phyllis.

Celia and my twins. She helped me out  as a babysitter,
grew into one of the best gal pals I've ever had.

Crazy Becki and I posing with
the rest of our friends. 

Dubious Chris Lemig. We were at Catamount
Reserves on Pikes Peak. This is his
best Catalog Modeling imitation. He has
taught me to laugh in the face of adversity
and stick with those that love you at all times.

McEachern High School Seniors, '95.
Without these folks, I would have never known
what real friends did and still do for you
and I never stop thinking of them. 

Doug Crandall and Me. He's the only
person that got me to spit BBQ sauce
up my nose during an interview. 

Best two girls in the world, Ella and Margo.
My 10 yr old twins...

Jake or the other Jake and my nephew, Cole

Another sister from another mister. Sarah Crisman.
She's been there for me through the good, bad, ugly
and through each Snickers and Vodka binge.

My first big band director and life coach: Wayne Goins.
This was taken in my kitchen after our interview. MISS YOU WAYNE! 

Kathy Barker and Wes Barker. 

Kathy started out as a "friend" of my folks and became 

a mom to me. 

Brandee Younger. Long distance dear, dear
 bestie friend & harpist.

Ted, Suellen, Jamie and Ned.
They're nuts. All of them. But they're the best kinds of nuts
you'll ever meet.

Can anyone say, Anne Rasmussen and Cicily
haven't missed a beat in each other's
lives for over ten years now...

Travis and Me at a writing conference.
He's the hairiest man I've met to date...but by far,
he is also one of the most dedicated
friends I have. 

Sometimes family come in funny
shapes, colors and sizes, like Tim Lefevbre.
He's one of the best souls alive.

And you thought I was crazy.
Heather, Shanti and Daniel and
I can talk about ducks, sex and ape babies
and still keep up and understand eachother.

Sorche, Justin, Alex, Jason
and Robin. Retreat offenders, restless writers and
rocky mountain climbers.

Rob and Kaylee.
Does anyone else see the family resemblance?

Ned. Enough Sed.
Without him, The New Face of Jazz
Would just be the New Jazz...lousy title,
lousy author, and especially I would lack my appreciation
for nice clothes and good makeup. ;) 

Marcus. He is just an awesome soul that I love.

My berry cool friends that have become family.
This is for Elizabeth Kinsey, Nick Belardes,
Becki Davis, Karen DeGroot Carter and Paotie Dawson
(who slept through the whole thing) 

Jaijai Jackson. Bibi introduced us two years ago. Her and I are kindred spirits.
This picture makes my heart smile. 

Bibi Green and I, August 2011. Without her
Her words of encouragement & her dedication
to our friendship, I think I would have imploded by now. 

Michal Garcia a.k.a. biting boy
and I on our usual Skype calls. 

Who are these people? Oh wait.
They're AWESOME! LeeAnn, Lisa, Sue, Russ...
the original retreat brat pack.

This is an old pic, but so glad I found it. My sister from another mister and
caregiver with the biggest heart in the world, Karen DeGroot Carter and her lovely daughters
Lauren and Sarah. These women astound me.

Margo and Ella front and center,
Brent, Heather, Alexa and all the other
usual suspects in my building.
Love these folks
to pieces.

Typical family photo. And extended family...
well, can't speak for their involvement. Pete probably
started it.

Noodle and her hubby, Jim along with their son, Cole.

Carly is such a beautiful soul. And a saint
for taking the Joey on. 

Me, Margo, Ella and Nat-nat at the girls winter band concert , 2011

The original recipe Jim and the special recipe Jamie.
Two of my most favorite men on the planet.

Shanna (my gorgeous stylist and BFF) and Sue helping me before
a 2011 retreat. These women are amazing.

Scott Faithful and I in NYC. His poetry and friendship
have carried me through a lot. this is right before seeing Chicago on Broadway.

Heather and Kaylee. This roll
of pics is soooo like them.

Here's my Christmas Wish for you: Although I can not be there in person with any of you, I hope you will feel not only my spirit but the love I have for everyone on the blog, off the blog and in my circle of friends no matter how far or wide, black or white, silly or sane you are at this point in the journey of your life. 

Each and every one of you has touched me in such a way that I couldn't find the words that mean much more than love. And if love is life, then I've got centuries to go on. I love you for who you are and don't ever let anyone change you. You're you for a reason. And the real you is what makes me beam whenever you're around me. 

So, today, I leave you with a few words from the late but great George Bernard Shaw: "If you can not get rid of the family skeleton, you might as well make it dance." 

Yours in Merry Christmas', Making the Most out of My Tears and Moving on to the Next Big Year, 

Cicily